Driving Lessons
by Quatre-sama
Summary: What happens when the G-boys try to teach Quatre how to drive a standard? language, shounen ai/yaoi/yuri, mild R-bashing, poor humor


Waaah!My friend just stopped by unannounced today to give me a toy Deathscythe he found at Meijer's! It's so wicked-cool! (yes, I'm in college and I still like to have action-figures,)It's so awesome (thank you Patrick!!).He forgot which gundam and which gundam boy were my favorite—but I think a little traitor side of me is saying "Sandrock?Nyah—Deathscythe is cooler than Sandrock!"Ah, I am a blasphemous Quatre fan . . . :(

Anyway, now I'm on a happy-high!Deathscythe is standing in front of me, thermal scythe raised and head cocked to one side.^_^Plus I just re-read an awesome fanfic, and I've been working on Ryoko-oneechan's Tenchi page, and I got some great feedback—can life get any better?!Well, I could have some cranberry-grape juice . . . how am I supposed to write without my inspirational juice? *sob*Be prepared for a silly, nonsensical fic!

Warnings:Dunno yet.Yaoi.Yuri.Het.Language.Perversity.OOC (and lots of it!!) Um, silliness.And I'm sure a gazillion other things.

Pairings:Who knows.Uh—I think I'm gonna make Duo straight, though.Strangely, the other day my ex-boyfriend said that he'd always thought Duo was the most straight of all the pilots.(including Zechs) Haha!!Not in the fanfic world!!I think this will be mainly 3x4 (because it's my favorite) and 1x5 (because I love WuFei, and he's always left out!).

C&C welcome.Flames too.(I just like getting mail!)

# Driving Lessons

"I don't see why we all have to go," WuFei complained as he crawled into the backseat of the tiny sports car.It wasn't fair.It wasn't right.It wasn't *just*.

"Maybe because we're going to the store to buy *you* some more marshmallows!" Heero told his lover sternly as he patted him on the butt."Now hurry up and scoot over."

"The store's two blocks away.I could walk," WuFei scowled.

Duo scrambled in after Heero, pulling the passenger seat backward into the upright position.Trowa took the passenger seat, and an intense, concentrating super-deformed Quatre took his place at the wheel.

His super-deformed fists were balled against the steering wheel; his eyes were reduced to slits.A massive sweatdrop slid down the side of his head, displaying his unease."Do I have to do this now?" he asked Trowa, allowing his mouth to quiver and his big turquoise eyes to well up with big fat tears.

"Yes," Trowa answered.

With a sigh, Quatre put the key in the ignition.

"You know," Duo said, pushing Heero closer to WuFei so he could have a little more elbowroom."I think it's pretty sad that you can fly planes, pilot mobile suits and spacecrafts, yet you can't drive a standard."

Quatre turned and glared at him for an instant. 

"Ooh . . . looks like *somebody* woke up on the wrong side of Trowa this morning!" Duo taunted, sticking his tongue out at the Arabian.

"All right, Quatre," Heero began, ignoring Duo and leaning forward, "remember that you need to let of the clutch at the same time as you press the gas.The two movements should be simultaneous."

"Okay," Quatre said.He put in the clutch and started the ignition.Shifting into first, he tried to gradually put on the gas and release the clutch.He stalled with a lurch.

"Aw, hell—we'll be stuck here for days!" Duo shouted in Trowa's ear.

Trowa gently covered Quatre's hand on the gearshift."You'll be fine.Next time, if you feel the car begin to stall, just put in the clutch completely.That'll keep it from happening."

"Wait a sec!" WuFei cried, remembering something."*You* were the one who ate all the marshmallows, Heero!Remember, how we were in—"

"Shut up," Heero growled, cutting off the Chinese pilot's words.He didn't really want the others to hear about them feeding each other all sorts of interesting foods.Or where they were when they did it.He still hadn't gotten the sticky syrup out of Wing Zero's cockpit.

"Your feet should be fairly synchronized," Trowa continued, ignoring the peanut gallery in the back seat.

"Kinda like when you're stepping forward in Sandrock, but suddenly have to rock backwards to dodge."Duo's analogy, though a little strange, wasn't far from accurate.

Quatre tried again, and stalled again.Gales of laughter emitted from Duo and WuFei snickered.Heero glared and Trowa sighed as Quatre began to make a hissing sound, his teeth clenched tight in order to refrain from swearing.

"Try again," Heero instructed, his voice devoid of emotion."If you begin to stall, remember to press in the clutch and it'll keep the motor running."

With another snicker, WuFei begin drumming his fingers on the headrest of Quatre's seat."You know, Quatre, the store *does* close.Do you think we'll get there in time?"

Quatre gritted his teeth and began again, this time with more success.He pressed a button on the panel, causing the top of the convertible to fold back.If the others were going to talk, he'd make sure they're voices would be drowned out by the wind.He made it halfway down the block before he remembered to shift.Trowa's hand clasped over his as he pulled the gearshift back into second, and a loud grinding noise made the pilots wince.

"Uh . . .Quatre?Can you use a little more clutch next time?" Duo asked tactlessly.

Heero jabbed him in the side with his elbow."Shut up, Duo."

"I'm sorry!" Duo yelped, holding his ribs."But he sucks!"

"You're doing fine," Trowa said with a reassuring smile.He pulled his hand away from the Arabian's."Now shift into third, with a little more clutch this time."

Quatre did so, with a lot more success.They moved through Newport City at a slow but steady pace, remaining in third gear until they came to a stop light.

"Just put in the clutch and pop it into neutral," Heero advised.

"Aren't I supposed to downshift or something?" Quatre asked.

"Don't worry about it just yet," Trowa said."I'll teach you later."

Just then a large yellow car pulled up in the lane to their left—Dorothy Catalonia and Relena Peacecraft.

"Quatre Raberba Winner.We meet again."Dorothy's sharp voice made Quatre wince.She leaned forward, her hands gripping the wheel."Shall we test your skills again?"

Quatre grimaced."You mean, you want to *race*?"

Dorothy nodded, flipping her bangs (and one of her maniacal eyebrows)."Do you have the stomach for it?"

Relena, finally noticing Heero in the back seat, leaned out the window."Heero!Why haven't you returned any of my calls?"

"Oh God," Heero muttered, slouching down the seat and hiding behind WuFei."Make her stop!"

Duo leaned across Heero's and WuFei's laps and laughed at Relena."I think Heero's been pretty busy lately . . . ah, fencing with WuFei."

Relena frowned slightly."I'm having a party tonight if you'd like to come, Heero."

"I think he'd rather chew off his own arm," WuFei muttered as the light changed.

Dorothy drove off rapidly, and the gundam pilots could hear her laughter.Quatre tried to go.The car lurched and lunged three or four times, but as a result of his nervousness, it stalled.

"Damn it," he swore uncharacteristically.He banged one fist against the steering wheel as he turned the key in the ignition.

"Take it easy," Trowa sighed, resting his hand on Quatre's thigh."The more upset you get, the harder this is gonna be."

Duo jabbed Heero in the ribs."Hey, isn't that what WuFei said the first time you two—" he made an obscene gesture with his hands.

Heero growled.

Quatre tried again.He stalled again.But this time the car behind them was honking.

"Lord, you suck, Quatre!" WuFei said, giving up all hopes of ever getting anywhere.He was exasperated."It'd be faster if we just walked!"He moved to climb out of the tiny convertible, but Heero's arm clamped down on his shoulder.

"Shut up, WuFei," Trowa growled.

Quatre managed to synchronize his feet this time, and they took off fairly smoothly.

"That was better," Heero commented."We might actually get to the store sometime today."

"Ooh—remind me to get some whipped cream," Duo told Heero with a grin.

Trowa turned his head slightly to get a look at Duo."What?Another date with Hilde?"

"No—this one's with your sister," Duo snorted.

Trowa laughed and turned faced the front again.

"I'm serious, man," Duo said."I really am going out on a date with your sister tomorrow night."

"Yeah.Like she'd date you!"Trowa laughed again.

"You know," Quatre began, "I don't think girls are that bad, but I can't imagine ever making out with them or anything."

"I can't understand how he can even like them," WuFei muttered, nuzzling closer to Heero.

"Man, you don't know what you're missing," Duo laughed.

"Neither do you," Heero said, caressing the inside of Duo's thigh.Duo slapped his hand away, but grinned.

Quatre roughly parked the car outside of the grocery store and they made their way to the automatic doors."So what all do we need in there?" he asked, whipping out his Winner Bank debit card.

"Marshmallows."WuFei wanted to make S'mores again, if Heero didn't mind the chocolaty mess.

"Whipped cream."Duo was drooling just imagining all the things he'd be able to do with Catherine.

"Lubricant."Heero had always been rather indiscreet.

"Raspberry syrup."Trowa had a sweet tooth for raspberries, especially if Quatre was involved in any way.

"And tampons."The others looked at Quatre with expressions that were a mixture of shock and confusion.He shrugged."I told my sisters that I'd pick some up for them."

Twenty minutes later (and with twenty more items than they had planned) they were at the checkout.

"Paper or plastic?" Sally Po asked, beginning to bag their purchases.

"Um, paper," Trowa decided for them."What are you doing, working in a place like this?"

Sally sighed."Rebel factions don't really get paid all that well, and most of my savings went to salvaging mobile suits.So I needed to take a second job.Credit or debit?"

"Debit," Quatre answered, sliding his card through the machine.

"I could change your financial situation," Heero offered.

"How?"She narrowed her eyes slightly.

"Tonight I'll hack into the Cinq International Bank and switch your account information with Relena's."

"Thanks," Sally beamed as Duo and WuFei grabbed the bags.

"That was awfully nice of you," WuFei acknowledged as they made their way to the car.

Heero shrugged."If she can't hire someone to track me, she won't be able to find me."

They hopped back into the car and Quatre wiped his sweaty palms on his khakis."Okay, here we go again."

Trowa half-smiled."Backing out is the hardest.You'll have to relax a bit."

Quatre scowled."Had you told me that *before* I parked I would've chosen a different spot."

"Yeah right," Duo laughed, grabbing the back of Trowa's seat."He probably would've driven around the parking lot in circles while *we* went into the store."

Quatre sighed and started the car."So it's the same as first, except I shift into reverse?"

Trowa nodded.

Quatre managed to back out a little bit—the trouble began when he had to shift back into first.He moved the gearshift, only to be greeted with loud grinding noises.

"Clutch, man!Clutch!" Duo shouted, covering his ears."What's wrong with you?!"

"That's it!" WuFei cried, standing up."You don't deserve a great car like this!This magnificent piece of machinery is too good for you!"

Heero pulled him down again, shutting him up with a long kiss.

Trowa snickered."Next thing you know he'll be worshipping it and calling it 'Nataku.'"

Quatre drove out of the parking lot wordlessly, but holding on to the steering wheel with an iron grip."Where to now?"

"How about the arcade?" Heero suggested.Nothing could calm WuFei down like a nice game of Virtual Fighter.

"Yeah," Duo chirped."There's a hot girl working there—Sylvia Noventa or something like that.She's really cute."

Quatre shrugged and moved into the right lane.The arcade was only three blocks away, so he'd be fine if he didn't hit any lights.He watched the speedometer closely, regulating when to shift.

"Go into third now, Quatre!" Duo shouted.

"But I'm only going twenty-two!" he protested.

Trowa glanced into his side mirror to look at Duo."You shift too soon, anyway."

Duo began to protest it, but was stopped by the all-too familiar sound of grinding gears.He glanced at the road behind them."Uh, Q, I think you left your clutch back there."

"Screw you!"Quatre hollered, his face red with rage.He pressed his foot into the gas pedal, growling slightly.

Trowa laughed, gently mussing Quatre's hair."You need to ignore him," he said softly."And pretty soon you're going to need to shift into fourth.Listen to the engine."

Quatre pressed the clutch in, but accidentally moved the gearshift toward the "reverse" position.The grinding noise was louder than ever, and Quatre didn't understand why he couldn't move the gearshift any further.

"What the fuck?!" Heero yelled."You're putting it into reverse, you ass!"

Quatre quickly corrected his mistake, flushing a deep shade of pink.

"There's no way you're ever going to learn," WuFei stated with a scowl."Just give it up now."

"Really," Duo chimed in."You should just stick to automatics."

Trowa turned angrily in his seat, surprising the other pilots with a fierce expression."Maybe he'd be fine if you guys would shut the hell up!"

Five minutes later they found themselves at the arcade, and Quatre parked the car with a lurch.Dorothy and Relena were leaning against the side of the building, smirking.Dorothy made her way over to Quatre's side and leaned against his door.

"Well, Quatre Raberba Winner—after witnessing your driving ability, I must say that it's a lot better than your fencing." 

Quatre scowled and tried to come up with some nasty retort, but his mind was blank.Then Duo pulled a can out of one of the shopping bags and passed it to the angry Arabian.He understood immediately"You're right, Dorothy," Quatre said with a small smile.He gazed at her with the best set of "bedroom eyes" he could muster."Maybe you can come over to my place tonight and give me some . . . lessons."

Her face lit up with a slightly-evil grin."I could like that."

"Me, too," Quatre said with a grin. He brought the can up to her face, spraying her with cheddar cheese."If hell froze over!"

Dorothy shrieked and ran inside the building, leaving the gundam pilots with Relena.

"That was mean," Trowa sighed, casting his lover an admiring smile.

Quatre shrugged."I'm really sick of that bitch."

Relena sauntered over toward the car as they were climbing out."How about that party, Heero?"

He grinned maniacally.It was time to give her a dose of reality."I'm going to be busy screwing my boyfriend."With that said, he grabbed WuFei and gave him a searing hot kiss.

Relena watched with horror at first, but then her face broke out into a smile.She laughed."Oh, stop playing hard-to-get!"

As the pilots face-faulted, she ran into the arcade to find Dorothy.

"Come on," Trowa said, pulling the other guys into the building.It was crowded—lots of Oz soldiers were roaming about, playing video games.A huge group surrounded the air hockey table, where Treize Kushrenada and Zechs Merquise were playing.

"Ooh . . . Tetris . . ."Quatre wandered away, pulling Trowa along with him.

Duo immediately made his way to the prize counter, where Sylvia Noventa was working.Man, she was cute!

Heero and WuFei tried to slip past the air hockey crowd in order to reach the Virtual Fighter game, but Treize stopped them.

"Ahh, Little Dragon . . . do you want to play a game?"

WuFei shook his head."No thanks.I don't like air hockey."

"That's not what he was talking about," Zechs smirked, putting a hand on Heero's shoulder."Wanna go out for a drink?"

Heero grimaced.Was Zechs *hitting* on him?He'd always assumed that Zechs was dating Noin, and Treize was with Une.At least, that's what it had always looked life before.

Treize wrapped one arm around WuFei and the other around Zechs."Certainly we can come up with some kind of suitable arrangement.This is just too tempting for us to resist."

"Aren't you guys already . . . involved?" WuFei asked, trying to end the discussion diplomatically."I don't think your women would take kindly to this sort of situation."

"Well, what they don't know can't hurt them," Zechs purred."We've been carrying on for—how long now?"

"About two years, I guess," Treize answered.

"That's disgusting," WuFei snapped, grabbing Heero's arm.Let's get out of here."

Heero didn't protest.He wanted to get as far away from Zechs as possible.

They found Duo at the prize counter, still hitting on the pretty blonde.They yanked him away from her without a second thought.

"What the hell was that for?" Duo yelled."I almost had a date!"

"Yeah, well so did we," WuFei scowled."Where are Trowa and Quatre?"

"We need to get out of here now," Heero added, by way of an explanation.

They looked all over the arcade, but there was no sign of them anywhere.Finally Duo stopped, refusing to look any further."Why did you have to get me first?" he whined."I could've secured a date with that babe by now, you jerks."He leaned up against the 5-Minute Photo Booth, crossing his arms and pouting.

"They're around here somewhere," Heero said."We would've heard the grinding gears if they'd left."

WuFei snickered and Duo smiled.They were about to go off on another search when a strip of revealing photographs came out of the machine behind Duo.He grabbed the pictures and hooted.

"Well, now we know where they are!" he cried with a laugh, handing the photographs to WuFei.He pulled back the curtain to expose Trowa and Quatre, who were making out, oblivious to their surroundings.

Heero yanked Quatre off of Trowa's lap."We need to go.Now."

"Damn it," Trowa swore. glaring at the other three boys.

"Do you want these?" WuFei asked, dangling the photos in front of Trowa.Trowa made agrab, but WuFei pulled his hand back playfully."Oh, I don't think so, Barton.I'm sending these back to a certain Maganac leader who's gonna be a little pissed."

Quatre stopped in his tracks upon hearing WuFei's words."You can't!Rashid will kill him!!"

WuFei smirked and handed the photos to Duo.

"Man, Trowa!" Duo exclaimed."I didn't know you were *that* flexible!"

"Just come on," Heero insisted.He dragged the other pilots out of the arcade, carefully looking out for either Relena or Zechs. 

"Does Quatre *have* to drive?" Duo whined.

"Yes," Trowa answered."Unless you give me those pictures."

"Shit, you know I can't do that!"

"Then Quatre's driving."

The Arabian scowled at his lover."Thanks for using me as collateral."He started the engine and took off with his usual finesse.[smirk]

"Is anyone else getting hungry?" Heero asked, glancing at his watch.It was already seven-thirty.

"Yes," Duo answered immediately.

"Sort of," Quatre admitted, grinding the gears pathetically as he shifted into second.

"What are you in the mood for?" WuFei asked, grabbing Heero's hand. 

Heero smiled sexily."What am I *always* in the mood for?" 

"Chinese?" Duo asked with a smirk.

"Ooh—I want something that's hot and spicy!" Quatre exclaimed.

"Don't we all?" Duo murmured.

"Nyah—we went to that weird Mexican place yesterday.Let's just go to McDonald's or something," Trowa suggested.

Heero sighed."I guess McDonald's will do."

"How long have they been around, anyway?" Duo asked, wincing as Quatre shifted poorly again."I think McDonald's was here before the Cinq Kingdom!"

Somehow they made it to the fast-food restaurant without any major problems (other than the constant lurching whenever Quatre shifted, and stalling out at every major intersection).They went to place their orders, surprised to see some old Oz faces behind the counter.

"Welcome to McDonald's; may I take your order?" Lt. Walker asked as they approached the counter.

"Yeah—what's the special this month?" Duo asked."Is it time for the McRib sandwich yet?"

"No.We don't have anything, except for the Cinq Kingdom exclusive Happy Meal toy series."

"And what's that?" Trowa asked.

Lt. Alex and Lt. Muellercame up to the counter, holding up tiny action figures."Pacifists of the century," Alex explained."Several of the Peacecrafts, Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian, Quatre Winner, and Field Marshall Noventa, even."

"They have me?" Quatre asked, his eyes big."Wow!"

Mueller smirked."You're not the toy for this week.Sorry."

Heero glared."Weren't you guys killed already?"

Walker sighed."Yes, but the crazy thing about fanfics—they let you come back for a bit.Look at Treize."

WuFei shrugged.There was some truth in that—he remembered killing Treize.

"What do you want to eat?" Alex asked.

Trowa sighed."I want a Happy Meal, but I want the Quatre toy in it."

"I can't do that," Walker explained."It's against the franchise policy."

"Please?" Quatre begged, his eyes beginning to tear up.

Walker shook his head and Quatre growled with anger. "You know—I can always get in Sandrock and destroy you *again*!"

"Yeah, if you can drive back to the hangar!" WuFei snickered.

Quatre elbowed the offending pilot, standing his ground and snarling at the ex-dead-Oz soldier."Trowa wants his toy!"

"Fine!" Walker shouted."You'll get your toy.What else?"

"How about three Big Macs, a nine-piece Chicken McNugget, a number 3 combo--Super sized with a Coke, and two apple pies?"Duo licked his lips in anticipation.

"Is that all?" Walker asked.

Duo shook his head."No—you have to get the other guys' orders, too!"

Heero and WuFei and Quatre placed their orders and they were seated and eating within five minutes.Duo, on the other hand, had to wait an excruciatingly long time for his fries.Some things, like McDonald's, never changed despite the several hundred years of service.

As they were finishing up their meal, they heard a commotion at the counter.

"Colonel Zechs!" They saw Otto jumping over the counter, ready to assist Zechs in any way possible."What would you like to try today?The Happy Meals now come with a Milliardo Peacecraft toy, you know!"

Zechs snickered and brushed the man aside.

"I wouldn't mind having one," Noin said, cooing over her boyfriend.She nuzzled against him.

Heero was shocked and angered when Zechs winked at him over the top of Noin's head.

"Master Treize, is there anything you'd like?" Lady Une asked, putting on her glasses to read the menu overhead.

"Yes, Lady—but not food," Treize answered, leering at WuFei from across the room.

"I want a Super-sized Quarter-Pounder Combo Meal—pronto!" Une barked out at the flustered workers.

Duo shoved the last chicken McNugget in his mouth."I think it's time to go," he said, despite his full mouth.

Quatre sweatdropped."Yeah—if these guys are here, I have a feeling Dorothy will show up any minute."

They crept out the side door and made their way to the convertible.

"Where to now?" Trowa asked.

"How about going home?" Heero suggested.

"Or to a movie?" Duo asked.

Quatre turned the key in the ignition and almost backed out successfully.Well, he would have, if he hadn't tried to put the car in first, *then* reverse.Instead they were greeted with lurches and grinding noises, as they had expected.But Quatre corrected his mistake fairly easily, and managed to get down the street without stalling.

They were traveling down a quiet road, Quatre concentrating on the clutch, Trowa tapping lightly on the side of the car.Duo was singing softly and Heero and WuFei were curled up together in the back seat.It was peaceful.They'd had a long day—some of which they wanted to forget.Now that they were on a fairly deserted road with few lights or stop signs, they weren't too disturbed by the occasional grinding of gears.

"Shift into fourth now," Trowa instructed.

Quatre tried to do so, but stalled.They were lucky no one was behind them.

"How the fuck do you stall going into fourth?!" Heero shouted, getting ready to attack Quatre."Just give it up—you'll never be able to drive this car!"

"I agree!" WuFei hollered."You're ruining this beautiful car!Nataku doesn't deserve your injustice!"

Duo fished the strip of photographs out of his pocket."Trowa, just take them, and get him the hell out of that seat!"

Trowa complied, quickly switching seats with Quatre.

"This is *so* much better," The Arabian sighed, placing his hand on Trowa's knee."Don't you think?"

Trowa nodded and started the car again.The other three pilots smiled as Trowa easily drove off, turning into a drive-in movie theater.

"What are they showing?" Heero asked.

"Doesn't matter," Duo pointed out."You're just gonna make out with Wuffie."

Heero shrugged.He was probably right.

After paying the attendant, Trowa drove around looking for the perfect spot.He pulled up next to a somewhat familiar-looking car.

"Hey!That's Hilde's car!" Duo shouted.He noticed the feet hanging out of the window."Hey, who the hell is she with?"He leaned out of the convertible, straining for a better look."I swear I'm gonna kill whatever son of a bitch thinks he can put his hands on *my* Hilde!"

Quatre shifted in his seat, peering into the other car as it rocked wildly."It kind of looks like . . . Catherine!"

"What?!"Duo jumped out, astonished.He looked into the window, then smirked at the other guys."Back me up, men, 'cause I'm goin' in!"With a laugh he entered the other car, greeted by the squeals of lustful girls.

Trowa growled."That is *not* my sister," he repeated over and over, like a mantra.Quatre scooted closer, intending to make Trowa forget *all* about Duo and Catherine.

"Heero!" Relena's cry interrupted the other four boys.Heero pulled away from WuFei, cursing."Aren't you supposed to be on your way to my house?" she asked, oblivious to the fact that he had been all over the Chinese boy.

Just then Duo popped out of the other car.His hair was coming out of its braid and his shirt was unbuttoned."Can you hand me the whipped cream?" he asked Quatre."And whatever's left of the Cheez Whiz?"

WuFei looked at Heero seriously for a moment."You know, there is one place we can go where she'll never find us."

Heero sighed."Zechs and Treize?"

WuFei nodded. 

"Let's go."

Hopping out of the car, WuFei and Heero took off, with Relena in hot pursuit.

Duo jumped back into the other car with a feral grin.

Trowa glanced over at Quatre with a small smile."The backseat's free," he said softly. 

Quatre nodded, using the dim light to examine the strip of pictures closely."Trowa, how *did* you get into that position?"

"Here, let me show you . . . "


End file.
